For all you no-academic types, the pressure is on for us grad students, like a stone mallet crashing into a frog's flank -- RIB IT!
Ooohhhhhh, goes the audience. But no self-deprecating humor out of me; any pun is worth many times the value of no pun at all in this Joke Universe.
And while we're on the topic let's all give a round of applause for Jokeliners Lesley Barnhorn whose birthday is today and Rachel Johnson who reaches that illustrious age of, of, how old are you, Rachel? Congratulations.
So, instead of self-deprecating humor, let's have some self-centered humor and talk about students' lives (again!).
So we will be kicking off this second to last Jokeline sextion of the academic year with two from Michael Smith, electronically known as the Whimbrel. And as his submission rightly points out, when the going gets rough for us grad students, we skip class. And then we excuse ourselves from our graduate advisors with letters from mom and dad.
The Following Is A Partial List of Actual Written Excuses Given to Teachers in the XXX (actual name omitted to spare the innocent with hasty pens) Public School System By Parents of Students
1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30,
31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed
with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed.
Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit
in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this
weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off
a tree and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu
going around, her father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed
out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*), the shits.
**********************
But heh, that's excusable because profs don't give it to us straight either as the next submission from The Whimbrel shows.
What The Professor Really Means
By J. Timothy Petersik
from the Chronicle of Higher Education
You'll be using one of the leading I used it as a grad student.
textbooks in the field. (OR) I wrote it.
If you follow these few simple rules, If you don't need any sleep, you'll
you'll do fine in the course. do fine in the course.
The gist of what the author is saying I don't understand the details
is what's most important. either.
Various authorities agree that... My hunch is that...
The answer to your question is beyond I don't know.
the scope of this class.
You'll have to see me during my office I don't know.
hours for a thorough answer to your
question.
In answer to your question, you must I really don't know.
recognize that there are several
disparate points of view.
Today we are going to discuss a most Today we are going to discuss my
important topic. dissertation.
Unfortunately, we haven't the time to I disagree with what roughly half
consider all of the people who made of the people in this field have
contributions to this field. said.
We can continue this discussion outside 1. I'm tired of this - let's quit.
of class. 2. You're winning the argument -let's quit
Today we'll let a member of the class I stayed out too late last night and
lead the discussion. It will be a good didn't have time to prepare a lecture
educational experience.
Any questions? I'm ready to let you go.
The implications of this study are I don't know what it means either,
clear. but there'll be a question about it on the test.
The test will be 50-question The test will be 60-question
multiple choice. multiple guess, plus three short-
answer questions (1000 words or more)
and no one will score above 55%
The test scores were generally good. Some of you managed a C+.
The test scores were a little below Where was the party last night?
my expectations.
Some of you could have done better. Everyone flunked.
Before we begin the lecture for Has anyone opened the book yet?
today, are there any questions about
previous material?
According to my sources... According to the guy who taught this
class last year...
It's been very rewarding to teach I hope they find someone else to
this class. teach it next year.
***************************
And last, one from Jay McGaffigan, a former and quite clever engineering student at WPI, who will be traveling to Ireland this summer. We want to know what technique he uses to get a ticket!
On a train to a large computer convention there were a bunch of Liberal
Arts Majors and a bunch of computer engineers. Each of the Liberal Arts
Majors had a train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for
all of them. The Liberal Arts Majors started laughing, figuring the
engineers were going to get caught and thrown off the train.
When one of the engineers, the lookout, said "here comes the conductor",
all of the engineers went into the bathroom. The Liberal Arts Majors were
puzzled.
The conductor came aboard, said "tickets please" and got tickets from all
the Liberal Arts Majors. He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the
door and said "ticket please". The engineers stuck the ticket under the
door. The conductor took it and moved on. A few minutes later the
engineers came out of the bathroom. The Liberal Arts Majors felt really
stupid.
On the way back from the convention, the group of Liberal Arts Majors
decided that they would try that method, too. They bought one ticket for
the whole group. They met up with the engineers in the same car.
Again, the Liberal Arts Majors started snickering at the engineers. This
time NONE of the engineers had tickets. When the lookout said "Conductor
coming!", all the engineers went to one bathroom and all the Liberal
Arts Majors went to the other bathroom.
Before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left their
bathroom, knocked on the Liberal Arts Majors bathroom, and said "ticket
please."
Well I hope you enjoyed this week's show. And thank you to all who didn't ask how my Adirondack Park trip went last weekend. It was grrrrrreeeeAAAAAAATTTTTT!!!!
Jokemaster