As you read this letter I am traipsing through the thick, high, and academic of Adirondack Park in upstate New York with my ecosystem management. I personally find that laughable all by itself because I should be in New Haven writing two term papers and going to the Year End Party for the Forestry School. But that all happens in a parallel universe, not this one.
So in lieu of our normal routine, Jokeline #8 is being passed along by one of my partners in crime this summer, Christine Housel, who is a masters student at the University of Florida, and this week's visiting editor.
Since most of this week so far has not happened yet (Wednesday as I write) I am dedicating the theme of this issue to all the people who said funny and stupid things this week and with that we have a veritable montage of quotations by some well known names and some not so well known.
Please keep those jokes coming in!
Yours in the out-of-doors
Jokemaster
This first set comes from Quint Newcomer, working down in Monteverde, Costa Rica.
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit,
to do the unnecessary.
-- Richard Harkness,
The New York Times, 1960
Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the
radio stations in Chicago ... we're one of them."
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound
in the correct screw.
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
when you make it again.
-- F. P. Jones
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from
the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent
disinclination to do so.
-- Douglas Adams
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not
important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so
much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
-- Hunter S. Thompson's
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a
woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
-- Quentin Crisp
I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and
tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country
with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of
being told that I am!
-- Monty Python
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
-- George Carlin
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I
predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile
disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace
your principles or your mistress."
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least
expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.
-- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but
they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the
world. Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?
Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
-- Old Farmer's Almanac
This next set I know many of you have seen before, courtesy of Jennifer Weber, a fellow former Peace Corps Volunteer in Costa Rica and currently employee of a nature center and Disney Corporation, and Jennifer Silverman a Dartmouth College classmate of mine and finishing up her PhD in psychology at U of Minnesota, but like I always say, you can never have enough Dan Quayle quotes.
Quayleisms
==========
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I
have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse
with those people."
--J. Danforth Quayle
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--J. Danforth Quayle
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and
child."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures
where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that
means there is oxygen. If there is oxygen, that means we can breathe."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean
in
this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't
live
in this century."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy--but that could change."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and
that one word is 'to be prepared'."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89
"May our nation continue to be the beacan of hope to the world."
--The Quayles' 1989 Christmas Card (Though not a beacon of literacy)
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88
"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in
the future."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"The future will be better tomorrow."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and
have a tremendous impact on history."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
--Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a
firm
commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"Public speaking is very easy."
--Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots
and
the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to
blame
for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the
killings?
The killers are to blame."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having
it."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
"Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still
has
a job next year."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/5/90
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that
Dan Quayle may or may not make."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on
the
mistakes we may or may not have made."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities
in our air and water that are doing it."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
And last, here is a couple very serious medical anecdotes submitted by Jeff Bird, a classmate and former senior roommate at Dartmouth. He is now a sportscaster in Oregon.
A man says to his doctor, "it hurts when i do this" (presses his side) "and
when i do this" (presses his leg) "and this, this and this." (presses other
leg and both arms)
The doctor checks him out and says, "A-ha! You have a broken finger!"
A dentist is giving a checkup and says, "Hmmm...looks bad. What have you
been eating?"
"I'm addicted to hollandaise sauce," the man replied. "I eat a quart for
breakfast, another quart at lunch and a big bowlful for dinner."
"Well," says the dentist, we'll have to resurface your mouth with a metal
plate. Chrome would be best, I think."
"Chrome? Why's that?"
"Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollendaise."
I still don't get the second one, but if Jeff thinks it's funny, that's good enough for me. JM