I was thinking of taking a cross-country trip from say Chicago to New Jersey to Miami Beach, Florida, but that idea was killed when I found out it had already been done.
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Letter to Jokemaster
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Dear Eminent Jokemaster
I've been in Honduras now 11.4 days now and I'm dying to set up my email account and start receiving Jokeline again. I've been traveling around the North Coast of Honduras meeting a number of our collaborating conservation organizations in the program I am managing to train naturalist guides.
Just yesterday I visited our friends in Tela, a quaint port town. They left me alone in their and I proceeded to wreak havoc. First I had to take a leak so I went to the bathroom and flipped on the light switch. A flash showered the room in light. Then the lightbulb launched out of the socket and crashed down into the toilet bowl below. Fortunately most of the shards landed in the water. Unfortunately the only way I could get them out was to reach deep into the watery throat of the toilet to get them. (I had not yet taken my leak, gracias a Dios.)
Then after I had finished and before the administrator came back to pick me up, I turned off all the lights, locked the door and shut it. When he came back, he grimaced and said he had no key to the door. No one has a key to the door. In fact, no one locks the door. So he pulled out a machete and jammed it through the molding along the door, ripping it off. The door opened.
Anyway I'll let you know when I have my email.
Best of jokes,
Jon Kohl
La Ceiba, Honduras
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So why are you receiving Jokeline in the middle of the week? Well, in the spirit of traveling, the Boyz Upstairs decided to move around the publication date. We at the editorial offices, don't find that particularly funny, but we're not the ones tripping out and making the call.
So in honor of Andrew Cunanan, Jon Kohl, and all the other traveling Jokeliners, let's hit the road.
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There it is again. Some clueless FOOL talking about the "Information Superhighway." They don't know JACK about the net. It's NOTHING like a Superhighway. That's a BAD metaphor.
Yeah, but suppose the metaphor ran in the OTHER direction. Suppose the HIGHWAYS were like the NET. A highway HUNDREDS of lanes wide. Most with potholes. Privately operated bridges and overpasses. No highway patrol. A couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles. 500 member VIGILANTE POSSES with nuclear weapons. 237 ON RAMPS at every intersection. NO SIGNS.. Wanna get to Ensenada? Holler out the window at a passing truck to ask directions. AD HOC traffic laws. Some lanes would VOTE to make use by a single-occupant-vehicle a CAPITAL OFFENSE on Monday through Friday between 7:00 and 9:00. Other lanes would just SHOOT you without a trial for talking on a car phone.
AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking BUS with hundreds of EBOLA victims and a TOILET spewing out on the road behind it. Throwing DEAD WOMBATS and rotten cabbage at the other cars most of which have been ASSEMBLED AT HOME from kits. Some are 2.5 horsepower LAWNMOWER ENGINES with a top speed of nine miles an hour. Others burn NITROGLYCERINE and IDLE at 120.
No license tags. World War II BOMBER NOSE ART instead. Terrifying paintings of huge teeth or VAMPIRE EAGLES. Bumper mounted MACHINE GUNS. Flip somebody the finger on this highway and get a WHITE PHOSPHORUS GRENADE up your tailpipe. Flatbed trucks with ANTI-AIRCRAFT MISSILE BATTERIES to shoot down the WTCX Traffic Watch helicopter. A little kid on a tricycle with a squirt gun filled with HYDROCHLORIC ACID.
NO OFF RAMPS.
Now THAT'S the way to run an Interstate Highway system.
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Survival Guide to driving in Latin America
If you're ever in the need to drive on the streets of Latin America the following rules may help you get to your destination in one piece. On Starting your Car.
Implore your Higher Power and ask for divine intervention in protecting you against the perils of the Latin American streets. Be careful with the confident reverse driver. This type of driver is famous for backing up his car with a complete disregard of whatever is on its path. If you encounter one of these drivers then you can practice the Latin American driver greeting.
When greeting a Latin American driver, slowly lower your window and be prepared to greet the driver with: "Tu madre, pendejo". However, if you have been already addressed by a fellow driver, reply with a joyful "La tuya, cabron".
On Turn signals
If a driver in another lane turns on the turn signal, do not let him go into your lane. In fact, press the accelerator and start driving right next to him. The fellow driver will probably greet you and you already know what to do.
On Traffic Lights
These amusing artifacts hang from intersections for no apparent reason. Sometimes you will see drivers stop to watch the colors change on these lights. Government officials (specifically police) believe that each color stands for an instruction for drivers to follow. From pure observation I have determined the following instructions for each color:
Yellow light: accelerate your car as much as possible.
Red light: this light gives permission to the next five to six cars to go through.
Green: reduce speed and wait for the five to six cars passing through their respective red lights.
Little-known-fact: Time to start honking your horn, as soon as the light turns green: 1.5 seconds.
On Changing Lanes
Changing lanes has been elevated to an art form in Latin America. First of all, no matter what you do, never turn on your turn signal or otherwise you'll stimulate the reaction described above. Second, swerve your car uncontrollably to the lane to which you want to change, preferably ending up within inches of a car. At this point a greeting from the other driver may be in order. To perfect your change of lanes, reduce the speed of your car dramatically in a matter of seconds and you will see an action packed reaction from the car behind you.
On Traffic Jams
Traffic Jams are teeming will fun filled activities such as:
1. Honking your horn
2. Put on make-up (usually female drivers only)
3. Nose-pickers sightseeing. (not to be confused with people who scratch their brains through their nose)
4. Reduce speed to watch whatever is causing the traffic jam. Add excitement by trying to see if you know the parties involved. (note: every Latin American driver is obliged to do this)
5. Lose weight by sweating like a pig as a result of a lack of air conditioning.
6. Greet other drivers.
7. Practice lane changing.
8. Play the game: Let's see how close I can get to you before rear-ending you.
On Pedestrians
These individuals are an annoyance to the Latin American driver. If you see pedestrians on your way, accelerate your car to let them know who's the boss. If you are at an intersection, let the pedestrians know you want to proceed by flinging your car at them.
On Social Situations
Bumping with a friend while driving is a joyful occasion. Drivers should reduce speed and stop their cars in the middle of the street and chit chat. What about other drivers? Well, they can wait.
On Highway Driving
Bottleneck Formation: To accomplish this type of driving, cars must block all lanes by driving at the same speed and side by side (to avoid other cars to pass). It is important to drive at a speed at least 20 mph below the speed limit.
The Police Alert Network: If you see a cop while driving through the highway you must advise other drivers about the cop's proximity by flashing your head lights even during the day. By doing so, you help speeding cars and potential escaped convicts avoid an unpleasant situation.
The Three-Lane-Change: This movement requires a lot of precision and creativity. It should be done around the highest number of cars possible and in a matter of seconds to create what others may refer to as widespread panic.
On Highway Tolls
There are simple etiquette rules on how to behave at a Latin American toll booth. First, If you don't have enough change or only have dollar bills, go to the EXACT CHANGE lane. This will give you the opportunity to get out of your car and look for change at another toll booth while other drivers greet you. Second, practice your hoops by throwing the coins as far as possible. You will get extra points if one of them doesn't get in. Third, if there is a traffic jam to get through the tolls try changing lanes, other drivers will really appreciate you cutting in front of them. Finally, wait until the last moment possible to get the change required for the toll, preferably, wait until it's your turn.
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Thanks to Audrey Benison who will soon be returning from a Fulbright in Costa Rica to start grad school at Georgetown University.
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The Cultural Sensitivity Editors apologize to all non-Spanish speakers for being unable to translate Spanish slang into English. Your sympathy is humbly requested.
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How to Identify the Driver's Home
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
(Also 2 hands on wheel of recently killed male victim, bound for New Jersey.--JM)
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, one hand in pants, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California*
*with gun in lap: L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
One hand on Latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male.
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70 mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado
One hand on steering, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving a gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plates.
(2 hands on wheel of car stolen from slain victim, bound for Florida.--JM) (One hand on pistol, one hand on cable TV control, car impounded by FBI in Miami Beach, Florida--JM)
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Thanks so much to Tom Husted for this and we beg his forgiveness for our killer komments.
Jokemaster