Date: Sun, 7 Apr 1996 16:28:21 -0400 (EDT)
From: Jon Kohl To: joke -- 105cc -- Jeff Bird Dan Petit Peter DeBalli Alejandra Zuniga Andy Wellnitz Annie Lovejoy Audrey Benison Bronson Griscom <74163.661@CompuServe.COM>, burch -- Bill Martin Erin McKenna Tom Pokalski "Claire R. Schuster" Darcy Jameson JENNIFER R HULFORD JAY MCGAFFIGAN Jen Silverman john Santamaria Jose A Guerra Kevin Harmon kohl -- Brian Kohl "A. Peter Kohl" Lesley Barnhorn Marsha Sitnik Mike Smith Miles Smith <74364.2077@CompuServe.COM>, Yvonne Novak Patrick Earle Quint Newcomer Rachel Johnson Tim Robinson Rufus Griscom Shana H Liberman Shannon Ammerman Tim Cronen Tony Hartshorn Jennifer Weber Yura Vracko Christine Housel Subject: Jokeline 5: Loss over Croatia Dear Jokeliners, Obviously the big news this week was the disheartening loss of our commerce secretary (for those of us who are American) whose military plane crashed into a storm enveloped moutain in Croatia last Monday. Although there was no black box on board, reports now coming out of the Department of Defense have been picked up by Jokeline code breakers. It seems, apparently, that while the pilot was trying to communicate with radar stations on the ground, he was unable to pronounce correctly the generally vowelless names of the sites over which he was flying. This led to confusion as to where in fact the plane was located (since radars were having problems with the storm) and faulty directions were sent out. Thus the crash. Upon learning this, President Bill Clinton immediately decided to send to Bosnia the largest shipment in American history of vowels. Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable. "For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour." The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities. Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please." Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream." The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's. Thanks once again go out to Yura Vracko who submitted this news-breaking report. The irony of this sad situation is that the Dept. of Defense had just issued a report on the strategic implications of linguistic miscommunications only a couple of months ago. I have excerpted from the appendix a series of examples of poor linguistic usage that could have important strategic consequences. Signs of our times In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis. In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub. In a bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 AM daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastary: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order you summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours--we guarantee no miscarriages. In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin. On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life. Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today-- no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. >From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. >From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: - English well talking. - Here speeching American. This piece was submitted by both Patrick Earle, former Peace Corps Volunteer in Costa Rica, Tufts grad., and Vermont resident and also by Audrey Benison, former student in Costa Rica, Tufts undergrad, and Calif. resident. Both play Ultimate and thus I smell a conspiracy. One request I need to make to those who are considering submitting to the Jokeline. I humbly request that you send just to me and not use the mailing list. If you want to take a few names off of it, that's fine, but I only send the Jokeline out once a week and carefully edited and this is what recipients expect. So please help me maintain this successful relationship. And I'm sure you all know what is green and red and makes no sound. Joking out Jokemaster ***************************************************************** Jon Kohl Yale School of Forestry & 420 Temple St. #501 Environmental Studies New Haven, CT 06511 Tel: 203-436-2131 USA Fax: 203-432-5942 http://www.yale.edu/~jkohl Updated 20 March; comments welcomed on new home page features. *****************************************************************