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Dear Jokemaster Jon
I hope you do still get this, as all of us Earles left up here in the snow belt want to wish you all the best as you graduate. We have enjoyed the Jokeline, and forwarded it to several other erudite and learned friends who have also chuckled over the stories and commentaries.
Hope wherever you go you continue to encourage people to let their funny bones rise again.
Fondly,
Ann Earle
Richmond, VT
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We at the Jokeline Editorial Offices are Celtics fans and sore losers. Our basketball team has won more national championships than any other and now we are in last place. The Chicago Bulls have just won their fifth championship in 10 years and we at Jokeline think there are better things to be done than for Michael Jordan's team to win again. Enough Bulls.
Chicago fans think their victories are better than sex. We think if one must choose, we'd pick otherwise. For example,
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TOP TEN REASONS WHY STUDYING IS BETTER THAN SEX! (And the Bulls)
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10. You can always find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired...you can stop...save your place, and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser".
4. You can do it, eat, and watch T.V. ...all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarassed if your parents interrupt you.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure of what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!
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But not just studying..
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TOP 20 REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX (and the Bulls)
1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.
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And we can thank Canadian Jokeliner Therese Groh for that one.
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Considering the stinginess of the Boyz Upstairs when it comes to paying Jokeline salaries, we get a little disgusted over how much money people like Michael Jordan make. Jokeline should raise that much money. Maybe we'll raise the subscription fee another 25%. (Thanks to Jokeliner Gerry Lee for this.)
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Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?
Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a regular season game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game.
Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!
Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of bulls dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike).
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be 'reimbursed' $33,390 for that round.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5,600.
Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it? BUT:
JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.
NERDS RULE!
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And all that victory makes one cocky and overly confident. It's time there were a new team on the block to take the fame, the money, and the women away from the Bulls.
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Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another- Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "He can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I AM a bull!"
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(Thanks to Jokeline System Administrator Og for that one.)
Of course, we at Jokeline don't mean there are only two ways to divide up the cows of victory. We hate to be -centric anything so we offer other suggestions on how to govern one's cows.
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FEUDALISM: You have 2 cows. Your lord takes some of the milk
PURE SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you milk
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need
FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk
PURE COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk
DICTATORSHIP: You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots you
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. The government fines you for keeping 2 unlicensed farm animals in an apartment
MILITARISM: You have 2 cows. The government takes both and drafts you
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you 2 cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate"
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. You feed them sheep' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything
BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows
ANARCHY: You have 2 cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows
CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull, and make more cows
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights on 6 cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all 7 cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because the fung shui is bad
FEMINISM: You have 2 cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf
TOTALITARIANISM: You have 2 cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these 2 cows, man. You got to have some of this cool milk.... cool
SURREALISM: You have 2 giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
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Thanks to Jokeliner Christine Housel in Gainesville, FL working ever so dilligently on her thesis.
Welcome to new Jokeliners Sarah Jenning, a naturalist with the Massachusetts Audubon Society; Elizabeth Terry, a Dartmouth classmate and fellow Peace Corps Volunteer in Senegal; Sarah Church, a new friend in Cambridge; Anthony Meyer with whom I will be working in Honduras (have I mentioned that?); and the Dartmouth Alumni Magazine staff, a very funny bunch.
Jokemaster on his five-year college reunion
sent from Dartmouth College, Hanover, NH
http://chloe.hgs.yale.edu/~jkohl/jokeline/jokeline.html