Jokeliners are getting engaged and married fast. Over 10% of all Jokeliners have recently been married or engaged. But not the Jokemaster!
Marriage is the most sacrosanct of commitments (well, one of them) and adultery is a very real issue as it has been lately in the US news. The American Armed Forces have been confronted with a long list of adultery and rape cases among men and women (Air Force Lieutenant Kelly Flinn resigned last month due to adultery charges) of all ranks up to and including the highest. Now it appears that one of America's most honored soldiers, Air Force General John W. Ralston, will not be nominated to chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff of the US Armed Forces, the highest rank beneath commander-in-chief who is the president of the United States, Bill Clinton -- who has also been accused recently of adultery committed before becoming president (again).
Ralston admitted to adultery (sex with a married person who is married to someone else) with a civilian 13 years ago, after having separated from his wife. One Jokeliner said that it was "idiocy" to deny this distinguished hero the position for this kind of "crime." Others say it's a double standard to make lowly ranked people resign and still allow a top general to continue. While adultery has been played out extensively in the media, the Jokeline editorial staff feels we can contribute to the discussion. We convened a special Jokeline ethics committee chaired by the Boyz Upstairs and have selected the cleanest jokes possible to illustrate the different sides of the issue.
Share with Jokeline your adulterous position and we'll run your letter next week.
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FIDELITY to your spouse should be a commitment of the highest order.
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King Arthur was leaving on a trip of some duration. As he was concerned about his wife's fidelity while he was gone, he arranged to have her locked into a chastity belt.
Before he left, he entrusted the key to his loyal knight, Sir Galahad. "If I should die before I return," Arthur confided, "I want you to unlock the belt and allow my widow to take another husband."
And he rode away.
King Arthur had not gone far when Sir Galahad galloped up behind him, both horse and rider breathing hard.
"Sire!" the knight shouted. "You gave me the wrong key!"
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TRUST can be harder to come by than DISCOVERING an ice sculpture in the Sahara Desert.
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Two guys, Bill and Jon, were standing at heaven's gate, waiting to be interviewed by St. Peter.
Bill: "How did you get here?"
Jon: "Hypothermia. You?"
Bill: "You won't believe it. I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day hoping to find the guy. I accused my wife of unfaithfulness and searched the whole house without any luck. Then I felt so badly about the whole thing I had a massive heart attack."
Jon: "Oh, man, if you had checked the walk-in freezer, we'd both be alive."
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Denker discovers his wife in bed with another man.
"What's the meaning of this?" He demanded. "Who is this guy?"
"That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over. "What's
your name, fella?"
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AND when something smells FISHY....
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A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.
His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?"
He says: " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"
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AND sometimes it's clearly WRONG.
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Two clergymen a Catholic priest and a Baptist minister, rode their bicycles around the area visiting their parishioners in the same community. When they encountered each other, they would usually stop and talk clerical clap.
One morning, the Catholic priest is tooling along on his bicycle when he sees the Baptist minister walking along. The priest stops and says, "What happened to your bike?"
The Baptist minister says, "I'm so upset; somebody stole my bicycle! I can't imagine who would do such a thing! I don't know what to do!"
The priest says, "Well, here's an idea: next Sunday, preach a sermon on the Ten Commandments. When you get to 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' really bear down, pound the pulpit, give it to 'em with both barrels. I bet whoever took your bike will be so filled with guilt that he'll give it back."
The minister says, "That sounds like a good idea. I'll try it," and they part company.
Next week, the priest is out riding his bicycle when he sees the minister again riding a bike. They stop and the priest says, "I see you got your bike back." The minister answers, "Yes, yes, I did."
"Did you preach a sermon on the Ten Commandments?"
"Yes, I did."
"And you really layed into 'em, gave 'em the old fire-and-brimstone routine on 'Thou Shalt Not Steal'?"
"Well, no, I didn't."
"Why not? I thought that's what you were going to do?"
"Well, I was, but when I got to 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I'd left it."
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BUT often adultery is not so clear cut; sometimes it can start out with a simple accident (thanks to Jay McGaffigan for this acci--submission).
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A very attractive young lady is standing on the curb of a city street waiting for a bus. She is wearing a very tight, mini-skirt. The bus arrives, the bus door opens and she attempts to enter the bus but finds it difficult to raise her leg to reach the first step of the bus. Her skirt is too tight. She reaches behind her, grabs the zipper, and pulled it down just a bit to loosen the skirt. Another attempt to climb onto the bus is met with similar frustration. So, she again reaches behind her and pulls the zipper down a wee bit more. At the conclusion of the third attempt and another pull of the zipper, she feels two hands on her behind pushing her up into the bus.
She immediately turns around and with an icy look says to the young man behind her, "Excuse me, but you touched my behind, you don't even know me, and I'm married!" "Well," he replied with a smile, "you don't know me either, but you pulled the zipper of my pants down three times."
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SEX therapists often point out that adultery is a symptom of an ailing relationship rather than one infidel spouse.
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Al decides he's going to play a joke on his wife one day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says, "If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra." He laughs and laughs. The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says, "If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle." Again he laughs and laughs.
The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabs his penis and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't need to keep sleeping with your brother."
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SOMETIMES there are just plain extenuating circumstances that justify adultery. (Thanks to Jokeline System Administrator, Og, for this one.)
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Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky, "So, Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right, 3 times..."
"3, hmmm, well when were they?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan... Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked... Well..."
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you... Then remember how DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again... Well...."
"Oh my god!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, you must really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the congregation.... And you were 47 votes short...."
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ADULTERY cases, nonetheless, are always confusing, especially to those involved. The following are excerpts of actual Dear Abby letters (an American newspaper advice-giver).
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DEAR ABBY: Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.
DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time? -JAKE-
DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.
DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a
mistress?-BESS-
DEAR BESS: Night and Day.
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WELL, maybe not always confusing.
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Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having Sex?
A."Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
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President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.
"What is it?" asks the President.
"It's this abortion bill, Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?"
"Ah, just go ahead and pay it," responds the President.
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Jokemaster
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This week transmitted from Foxboro, Massachusetts