My grandmother is getting more and more forgetful. Last week she left her key in the car. But, fortunately, she hadn't got out yet. Too bad timothy McVeigh remembered to get out of the Ryder truck after parking it in the Afred P. Murrah Federal Building.
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Letter to Jokemaster
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Dear Jokemaster:
My American fiancee loves Jokeline every time it comes. But me, I hardly ever read it. It's too American. I mean it's culturally biased and I can't understand lots of the jokes. Just wanted to let you know.
Anonymous Foreigner
England
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Thank you, AF. The Jokeline Equal Opportunity Committee has instructed the Jokeline Editorial Offices to explain American references for the numerous foreigners on the Jokeline mailing list. So where are the editorial offices today? For this issue, we are in Framingham, Massachusetts. Today and here my cousin just graduated from high school and will be going to the University of Massachusetts. Gotta love the internet. Everywhere you want it!
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Today the jury for the Timothy McVeigh trial is deliberating over his fate. Did the explosion that destroyed half of the Murrah Building in Oklahoma City and killed 128 people two April 19s ago happen because of little Timothy? The jury could give him death.
Many conspiracy theorists argue that he is too stupid to have carried out this devilish feat by himself. There have to bigger anti-government forces behind his work. Part of the problem is the evidence is incomplete and where there is incomplete evidence there are false conclusions.
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Two archeologists, one Greek, the other Israeli, were discussing evidence.
The Greek explained that when he was excavating near the Acropolis he found wires running from here (he drew a sketch) to there, and from there to over yonder. From this he inferred that the ancient Greeks had something like the telegraph.
The Israeli was unimpressed. He explained that when he was excavating near the Western Wall he found no wires at all. From this he inferred that the ancient Hebrews had something like radio.
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(No American references here. Check.)
Jokeline of course doesn't just use information produced by other media. We generate our own. In fact we sent in two Jokeline secret agents to secretly get testimony from Timothy McVeigh proving that he was smart enough to do that horribly stupid act of blowing up a building. Just read the following:
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McVeigh said:
"It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my girlfriend about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Tim, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want out!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. In fact, the latest TA activity was even to do a thoughtless act. So it didn't occur to me not to blow up a government building...
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American reference check: PBS = Public Broadcasting System, educational station.
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Thanks to Jokeliner Daniel Smith-Rowsey for supplying most of the above material. Also thanks to Jokeliner Miles Smith whom we sent on assignment to hang in the courthouse looking for Jokeline material. He filed the following report.
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Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. McVeigh.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. McVeigh.) Timothy, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
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Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
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Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
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Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
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Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months July 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was April 19th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
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Q. Mr. McVeigh, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
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Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
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Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
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Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
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THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
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Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
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Q. And lastly, Timothy, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
A. How old are you?
A. Oral.
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Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
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Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
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Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
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Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she did!
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Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
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Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
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The jury could also give McVeigh life without paroll. That may not be such a bad option either. Consider the following submitted by my dad, the venerable Peter Kohl.
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PRISON vs WORK
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At work, you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work, you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work, you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work, you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work, you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work, there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work, we have managers.
Until the next location,
Jokemaster