Date: Sun, 31 Mar 1996 10:03:41 -0500 (EST)

From: Jon Kohl

To: joke -- 105cc -- Jeff Bird ,

Dan Petit ,

Peter DeBalli ,

Alejandra Zuniga ,

Andy Wellnitz ,

Annie Lovejoy ,

Audrey Benison ,

Bronson Griscom <74163.661@CompuServe.COM>,

burch -- Bill Martin ,

Erin McKenna ,

Chris Page ,

Tom Pokalski ,

"Claire R. Schuster" ,

Darcy Jameson , Kevin Frank ,

JENNIFER R HULFORD ,

JAY MCGAFFIGAN ,

Jen Silverman ,

john Santamaria ,

Jose A Guerra ,

Kevin Harmon ,

kohl -- Brian Kohl ,

"A. Peter Kohl" , kohl@yale.edu,

Lesley Barnhorn ,

Marsha Sitnik ,

Mike Smith ,

Miles Smith <74364.2077@compuserve.com>,

Yvonne Novak ,

Patrick Earle ,

Quint Newcomer ,

Rachel Johnson ,

Tim Robinson ,

Rufus Griscom , Sean Andrish ,

Shana H Liberman ,

Shannon Ammerman , Therese L Groh ,

Tim Cronen ,

Tony Hartshorn ,

Jennifer Weber ,

Yura Vracko

Subject: Jokeline #4 Presidents and Candidates

Greetings Jokeliners!

What's the difference between Pat Buchanan and a bucket of muck?

The bucket!

What kind of jokeline could justifiably call itself funny if it did not

trenchantly investigate the vicissitudes of our (notwitstanding for the

two non-American subscribers) illustrious American electoral system.

The first anecdote I share with you in honor of former Republican

candidate Pat Buchanan, but I'll let you decide exactly which part of the

story refers to him. I believe this piece comes from Yura Vracko, my most

prolific supplier of jokeline material. He works in an English-speaking

international school in Costa Rica and has been just recently arraigned

on smuggling foreign jokes into the United States. Good luck, Yura!

Bronze Rat

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's

Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a

detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so

interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what

it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand

dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze

rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two

live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind

him.Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but

every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow

him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at

his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and

soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers,

basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at

his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill,he

panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats

keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so

that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats

twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up

onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat

into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling

his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as

the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where

they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so

you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze Republican."

Wow, political humor! Now you may know that Ralph Nader is on the ballot

in California and many people miss his point. He doesn't want to win, he

wants people to hear the message that our political system forces most

candidates to be the same. That is, Democrats and Republicans really

aren't much different, especially this campaign. They are just different

grades of the same issues. Well, you ain't seen nothing about

similiarity of candidates until you've compared Presidents Kennedy and Lincoln.

And mind you, my humble jokeliners, this is NO joke.

Jokemaster

Similarites between the Lives of Lincoln and Kennedy

1. Both were concerned with civil rights.

2. Lincoln was elected in 1860 and Kennedy in 1960.

3. Both were slain on Friday, in the presence of their wives, by gunfire.

4. Both were shot from behind and in the head.

5. There are seven letters in each of their names.

6. Both had the legality of their elections contested.

7. Kennedy's secretary warned him not to go to Dallas, TX and Lincoln's

secretary warnmed him not to go to Fords Theater.

8. Both of their successors were named Johnson, were southern Democrats

and had served in the Senate...

9. Their successors were born a hundred years apart (1808 and 1908)

10. Their successors each had 13 letters in their names.

11. Both wives lost children while in the White House.

12. Each was in his 30s when he married.

13. Each married a 24-year-old brunette who spoke french fluently.

14. Each was named for a grandfather.

15. Each was a second son.

16. Each comes from a family that originated in the British Isles and

settled in Massachusetts.

17. Both at 23 joined a military unit.

18. Both successfully ran for office a 100 years apart (1846 and 1946).

19. Both were runner up for the vice presidential nomination in the year

of which their party would lose.

20. Both took part in a series of famous debates with a much better

known rival (Lincoln v. Douglas, Kennedy v. Nixon).

21. Both had a relative who was a mayor of Boston.

22. Each had a relative who graduated from Harvard and became ambassador

to Great Britain.

23. Both know a prominent Illinois Democrat named Adlai E. Stevenson.

24. Both had a friend named Billy Graham.

25. Each assassin was later shot to death by another assassin before

they could be brought to trial.

26. The assassins were born a 100 years apart (Booth 1839, Oswald 1939).

27. The assassins' names each had 15 letters.

28. The assassins were southerners favoring unpopular ideas.

29. Booth shot Lincoln in a theater and hid in a wharehouse; Oswald shot

Kennedy from a wharehouse and hid in a theater.

30. Both were carried in death on the same caisson.

31. Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy and Kennedy had a secretary

named Lincoln.

This one has been laying around the house for years and I cannot cite it.

JM

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Jon Kohl Yale School of Forestry &

420 Temple St. #501 Environmental Studies

New Haven, CT 06511 Tel: 203-436-2131

USA Fax: 203-432-5942

http://www.yale.edu/~jkohl

Updated 20 March; comments welcomed on new home page features.

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