The Jokeline Project X team would like to apologize for Jokeline's late distribution today, the computers could not handle the leap forward; the custodians are still picking up the pieces.
Actually they're currently cleaning the mess using the same technique as the coroners did in the house of the Higher Source suicides: with a little comet.
--------------------------
Letters to Jokeline
--------------------------
Re: Jokeline #38: Risking Taking, Challenging Death
Jokemaster,
The best issue yet!!! Loved the theme.
Tom Husted
Portland, Maine
---------------------
This week Jokeline honors our future, our children who are often overlooked. This week we learn that if you talk to kids at child care, they are not stunted psychologically; we see Clinton giving kids a big egg roll; and if you feed kids strawberries tainted with hepatitis, they get sick.
"A key point," says Jokeline lead child psychologist, Hairry Fuzzeltips, "is that you have to understand their perspective in order to set up a context in which they can grow. If you do it right, they grow like weeds."
To refresh:
--------------------------
Thursday April 3 11:30 PM EST
Thousands of Children Inoculated for Hepatitis
WASHINGTON (Reuter) - Thousands of schoolchildren exposed to tainted strawberries in Michigan, Georgia and Los Angeles were inoculated against the hepatitis A virus Thursday.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said 175 cases had been reported in southern Michigan and the number was expected to rise. Michigan officials meanwhile said the frozen strawberries may also have been distributed to restaurants and retail outlets.
More than 2,200 children were inoculated in Michigan, while about 9,000 schoolchildren in Los Angeles and 2,000 in Georgia were receiving inoculations of immune globulin.
In Los Angeles, temporary clinics were set up in three elementary schools and one health worker said the children accepted the shots like "good little soldiers."
"It hurt, but not that much," said one boy.
------------------------------
Trying to teach kids why gamma globulin will help protect them against viral infections can be challenging as kids have lots of their own ideas about the ways of science. (Thanks to my dad for this and putting up with my scientific ways.)
-----------------
o H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
o To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
o When you smell a oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide
o Water is composed of two gins, oxhgin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
o Three kinds of blood vessels are: arteries, vanes, and caterpillers.
o Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
o The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
o Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
o A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
o Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
o The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
o The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the Moon, because there is no water in the Moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the Sun joins this fight.
o A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
o Equator: a managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
o Germinate: to become a naturalized German.
o Magnet: something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
o Planet: a body of earth surrounded by sky.
o Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
o To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
o For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
o For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
o For a head cold, use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
o To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
-----------------------------------------
Thursday April 3 11:32 PM EST
Quality of Day Care Affects Child Development
WASHINGTON (Reuter) - Touching on an issue of concern to millions of working parents, researchers said Thursday that the quality of day care was a major factor in a young child's language skills and cognitive development.
It found that if children are spoken to and responded to in a quality child-care setting, they develop the language and cognitive skills they need to be prepared for school.
In quality settings, caretakers spoke to the children, answered their questions and responded to them as they spoke. In such cases, the children did well in acquiring language and cognitive skills.
--------------------------------------
Once again parents (and day care attendants) have to answer their questions honestly!!!!
--------------------------------------
Little Jonny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Jonny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Jonny about this."
So Jonny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
- First, jonny, I want you to take off my blouse...
So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
- OK, now take off my skirt...
and he takes off her skirt.
- Now take off my bra...
which he does.
- and now, Jonny, please take off my panties.
And when Jonny finishes removing those, she says,
"Jonny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
(thanks Og)
-----------------------------
A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' room.
Finally one morning he says to his mom, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well...ah...well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The boy responds, "That won't work!"
His mom says, "Why not???"
To which the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
----------------------------
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.
--------------------------------------------
Monday March 31 3:51 PM EST
Children Crowd White House Lawn for Egg Roll
WASHINGTON (Reuter) - Thousands of children raced around the White House lawn Monday in search of Easter eggs on a cool, blustery day as President Clinton hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll, a tradition dating to 1878.
The roll, in which children push wooden Easter eggs along the ground with a spoon past a finish line, winning an egg as a prize, was moved to the White House from the grounds of the Capitol by President Rutherford B. Hayes in 1878. Congressional leaders evicted the egg-rollers for being too boisterous and creating too much of a mess.
Clinton, who is temporarily on crutches following his March 14 knee surgery, formally gave the word for the egg roll's start from the White House South portico, calling "on your mark, get set, go!" and giving a hearty blow on a whistle.
"Now you can't start until I blow the whistle," Clinton told the children as they braced themselves. "Are you ready? Come on, line up. Shape up here -- one of us needs to be able to run."
-----------------------------------
And last, parents (and school administrators) can't let kids roll all over them with their games.
----------------------------
Problems with Lipstick
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2 pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night.
He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
---------------------------
Although this probably has nothing to do with kids (yet), Jokeline staff would like to congratulate Jokeliner Diana Bermudez on her recent engagement to Merrick Hobin. Several Jokeliners will remember her from the Jokeline summit in DC.
Jokemaster