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Letters to Jokemaster
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Dear Mr. Jokemaster,
I'm a big fan a yours. I just love each issue. It makes my life worth living. Wish I was as funny as the other people who write to you. Erly doesn't much like me readin it but I still do. It's OK. He only whup me when I deserve it.
Windy in Kalifornia
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While you all enjoy the very good luck of being subscribers to the world's very best Jokeline, not all acts of nature are so clearly good luck. In fact, many prove otherwise and this week in the news, luck has struck. Read to refresh:
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Saturday March 22 7:28 AM EST
Identical Quadruplets Born to New York Couple
NEW YORK (Reuter) - Four identical baby girls were born Friday afternoon to a young New York couple in an event so rare it is believed to happen only once in 11 million births, hospital officials said.
The infants, born over four minutes beginning at 3 p.m. EST, were delivered by Caesarean section by two obstetricians, Drs. Gary Steinman and Adiel Fleischer, chief of High Risk Obstetrics at Long Island Jewish Hospital in New Hyde Park.
"This is so rare we can hardly begin to estimate the odds of this happening. You probably have a better chance of winning the lottery," Steinman said.
A hospital spokeswoman said identical quadruplets are born only once every 11 million births. She said they have searched medical literature and have been unable to find record of any identical quadruplets born over the last 40 years.
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The story didn't interview the couple, so we do not know if they felt lucky. Do you feel lucky, punk? Consider the following in helping Jokeline weed out bad from good luck.
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How Many Is Too Many?
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone
into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me,
"Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum
Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced
that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M
Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.
When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath
of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
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Sometimes what appears like great luck...
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ALWAYS BY MY SIDE
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business fell, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side . . . . You know what?"
"What dear?" She asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
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Sometimes luck is more easily determined as in the following story which by the way ran only THIS morning. The Boyz Upstairs take great pride in staying inside the jaws of the news.
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Sunday March 23 6:32 AM EST
Body of Florida Boy Found in Alligator's Jaws
NEW SMYRNA BEACH, Fla. (Reuter) - Trappers on Saturday recovered the body of a three-year-old boy from the jaws of an alligator that killed him while he was playing by a lake in central Florida.
Trappers, who searched Lake Ashby all night looking for an alligator large enough to have taken a child, killed the 11-foot beast with three blasts from a shotgun.
"I never seen anything like it," trapper Roy Speck said. "The boy was still in its jaws. He hadn't been eaten or anything. I just don't know what that 'gator was up to."
Adam was playing with his dog and picking petals off water lilies while his mother and older siblings ate at a picnic bench. His mother, Lorri Binford, heard a tremendous splash and turned to see the water churning, authorities said.
Alligator attacks on humans are rare and fatal attacks even more so. Adam Binford was only the eighth person killed by an alligator since 1948, despite the fact that
alligators can be found in nearly every body of water in Florida, said Lt. Joy Hill of the Florida Game and Freshwater Fish Commission.
Game officials believe the alligator may have been attracted by the boy's springer spaniel. The alligator's natural prey includes small mammals such as opossums and beavers.
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Notice that only 8 people have been killed by alligators since the last identical quadruplets were born!
And only a few days earlier the following happened in a distant bar on a dark and stormy night.
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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottled and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
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One more example of bad luck (and thanks to Jay McGaffigan for this one).
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Half Sisters
One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."
William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister." His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."
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And just as Hong Kong has started its 100-day countdown to becoming part of China, on Wednesday I start my two-month countdown to becoming unemployed. Well I will still be the Jokemaster, but the Boyz Upstairs have not offered to pay me for my services, no one else has either. Conversely, congratulations to Jokeliner Tom Husted who was just accepted into Columbia University's School of Policy and Public Affairs. Let's all wave to Tom who is spending his last 10 days in Santiago, Chile.
Welcome new Jokeliners: Diana Bermudez (friend from Costa Rica, now living outside DC), Deborah Koh (classmate at Dartmouth now in DC), John Lamoreux (classmate here at Yale), and Dinnia Solis (of Costa Rica and doesn't even speak English!).
Jokemaster