Klakto, Nikto, Barato, Earthlings! (that's a foreign language, too)

Clearly the big news this week is that the newly revised Star Wars came out on Friday night -- did it in other countries? If anyone out there has good stories about waiting for tickets or the like, send them in to Jokeline. My brother who works in a virtual reality/computer animation computer outside San Francisco, thought it was sacreligious to redo the classic as was the colorization of the classic black and white movies. Will they now add special effects to other classics: Close Encounters, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, the Blob? But certainly my brother will tape the new Star Wars as soon as possible on play it on his surround sound system. Principles and action are two different things.

So we touch on aliens and outer space here and the most famous soap opera of all time, Star Wars. For those unfamiliar with the term it refers to dramatic love stories that take place in space like Buck Rodgers, Battlestar Galactica, and Amazon Women from Mars. Star Wars is better than all of these, of course, and even better than Star Trek.

TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE

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10) In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun". [Though at the opening of Star Wars when the stormtroopers had just boarded the rebel ship in search of Princess Leia, one said, "There's one, set for stun." Also note that the Jawas used stun to capture R2-D2. In Empire Strikes Back, Lando Carissian and stormtroopers used stun to take down Han Solo --Jokemaster note.]

9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp --- The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie. [Let's be fair, the Millenium Falcon is much smaller. -- Jokemaster note.]

8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable --- After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell. [I would posit that it wasn't until Return of the Jedi when Leia donned the skimpy clothes before she ever looked truly desirable. -- Jokemaster note]

7) Lightsabers. [True. -- Jokemaster note]

6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance. [This is just silly. --Jokemaster note.]

5) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not. [The Death Star just doesn't care. --Jokemaster note.]

4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters. [I'm not sure that's a compliment to Star Wars. -- Jokemaster note.]

3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action. [Eating hairy mud is also not a point in favor of Star Wars. -- Jokemaster note.]

2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I". [Good point. -- Jokemaster note.]

1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power --- Han Solo floors it. [See Jokemaster note #9 above.]

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Thanks Og.

Of course as Staffers in the Jokeline Cultural Exchange Department point out in a recent memo to the Jokemaster's Office, movies are mostly from the human perspective and that's certainly a new PC critique of the traditional soap opera. So let's get a glimpse from the perspective of aliens.

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Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle

out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that

resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach. The

first one says "Earthling take me to your leader!"

He gets no response. The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses

the pump again. "Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!"

Still no response. The first Alien then turns to the second and says

"If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect I'm going to blast

him!" . The second Alien replies "O.K. but, I'm just going to stand

down on the next block." The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but

waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses

the pump a third time. "Earthling take me to your leader!"

No response. The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump.

After the explosion the Alien gets up, dusts himself off then goes down

the block to his buddy. He then says to the second Alien, "If you knew

that was going to happen, why didn't you warn me?"

The second replies, "I didn't know what was going to happen, but I'm

not going to mess with anyone who's penis can hang to the ground, wrap

around his body twice, and still stick in his ear!"

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Jay McGaffigan claimed to have witnessed this in a recent trip out West. Thanks, Jay.

And just because the medium may change, the story stays the same.

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A cargo ship pilot used to amuse himself by running over parked private lawyer ships he would see floating alongside the main space flyway. Every time he would see a lawyer floating there, he would swerve to hit him and there would be a loud "CLANK" and then he would swerve back onto the flyway.

One day as the cargo ship pilot was flying along he saw a priest whose ship had apparently broke down. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled his ship over. He asked the priest through his high-density flux interspacial communicator, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 parsecs down the flyway," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Dock my ship."

The happy priest climbed into the slower but much heavier cargo ship passenger seat and the pilot continued down the flyway. The pilot saw a lawyer ship alongside the flyway and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the ship with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the flyway narrowly missing the lawyer. Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "CLANK".

Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his rearview monitors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay," replied the priest, "I got him with the door."

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And lastly we have a submission from a real live alien: Manrique Rojas is a Costa Rican who studies here at Yale:

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"Is there intelligent life on Earth?" said the human being.

"Yes, but I'm only visiting," said the alien.

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Doh!

Making Jokes at Other People's Expense: It's the only way to laugh!

Jokemaster