Ashkoo (that's hi in Mangooshi) O Carolling Jokeliners

Here's a couple Santa Jokes (well circulated) for you'll. This is a quick Jokeline to let you all know that we all are still out here in Jokeland preparing the finest jokery we can given budget cuts and downsizing we are suffering at the Jokeline offices.

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The last installment of the Vermont-Maine battle here at Jokeline.

Dear Jokemaster:

Well what can I say? It is obvious that Patrick appears to be a little (just

a little) sensative about being from the only commie pinko (Bernie Sanders -

Ben & Jerry) state in the Union.

What kind of state has the Department of Tourism pay farmers to keep their

fields baren so that tourists will see rolling green fields!!!! And they

call themselves environmentalists over there!!!??

Patrick must know something about farm animals being included in the family

geneology...seeing as their are more cows in VT. then people.

A New Yorker once said to me (while I was standing on my beloved rock bound

coast of Maine...the same coast that has graced the canvas of the greatest

American painters Homer and Wyeth) I went to Vermont last year and will

never go back again. They don't even have lobster over there!

TOM Husted,

Portland, ME

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From Jay.A.Heinrichs@Dartmouth.EDU Thu Dec 12 10:43:11 1996

Organizational Changes at the North Pole

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the

early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about

whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at

the North Pole. Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole's loss of

dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping

channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share.

He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late

model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from

Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is

anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental

emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.

Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies,

in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got

that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a

lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an

unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context

at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole

to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective

immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve

Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never

turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be

replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable

savings in maintenance;

- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply

not cost effective. In addition, their romance during

working hours could not be condoned. The positions are

therefore eliminated;

- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone

loves the French;

- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice

mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is

underway to determine who the birds have been calling,

how often and how long they talked;

- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of

Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity

could have negative implications for institutional

investors. Diversification into other precious metals as

well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear

to be in order;

- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no

longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the

production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example

of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go,

and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel

will assure management that from now on every goose it

gets will be a good one;

- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in

better times. The function is primarily decorative.

Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be

retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance

their outplacement;

- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under

heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the

workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider

this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of

the process may permit the maids to try a-mending,

a-mentoring or a-mulching;

- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This

function will be phased out as these individuals grow older

and can no longer do the steps;

- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus

the expense of international air travel prompted the

Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with

ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be

somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we

expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple

case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a

string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will

produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom

line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and

other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching

deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day,

service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the

attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession

("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in

the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request

management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is

the right number.

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Thanks to Jay Heinrichs, editor of the Dartmouth Alumni Mag for this one. He used to be my boss at Dartmouth. Now we're all equals on the internet. Incidentally another former boss of mine at the Smithsonian is on our mailing list.

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IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?

With research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of

living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects

and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa h

as ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.

BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and

Buddhist cihldren, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378

million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)

rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes

there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different

time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west

(which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa

has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the

chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the

tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back

into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these

91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course,

we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept),

we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2

million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once

every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000

times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made

vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per

second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming

that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds),

the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably

described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more

than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could

pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even

nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even

counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.

Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous air

resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as

spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer

will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short,

they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer

behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a

second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06

times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)

would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's

dead now.

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Although I've seen this one many a time on the internet, big thanks go out to tom Husted for it and good luck to him as he becomes our first Chilean Jokeliner in a couple of weeks.

Merry New Year's to all Jokeliners

And to all Jokeliners Good Night.

Until the next year

Jokemaster and the Boyz Upstairs