I love Jokeline-- I sat in the computer lab all the time laughing like an idiot to myself!
Nathalie Lynne Pierre
Lawyer-to-be
University of Virginia
Shalom O Hallowed Jokeliners!
This week we'll stay away from presidential events and we won't even touch the refugee problem in Zaire, but we do have an equally important topic to talk about. Michael Jackson's sex life! Here's an article from Reuters to bring you all up to speed.
Friday November 15 8:50 AM EST
Jackson Makes Appearance Without New Bride
SYDNEY (Reuter) - American pop superstar Michael Jackson made his first public
appearance after marrying his pregnant girlfriend on Friday when he attended the
Australian premiere of his movie "Ghosts" -- without his new wife Debbie Rowe.
Jackson, without his trademark face mask, declined to comment on his marriage and passed silently through a throng of media and about 1,500 fans gathered at the Sydney movie theatre.
He paused briefly to accept bouquets from his young fans and posed for photographs
with a group of about 15 schoolchildren but did not anwer questions.
Rowe, six months pregnant, apparently remained inside the luxury hotel suite in which they were married in the early hours of Friday, only a few blocks away.
In a written statement distributed on the Internet global computer network, Jackson said: "Please respect our privacy and let us enjoy this wonderful and exciting time."
The wedding took place only 10 days after Jackson announced Rowe, who nursed him while he was being treated for a rare skin disorder, was to give birth to his child early next year.
Jackson denied news reports that Rowe had been artificially inseminated and that he paid her $500,000 to carry his child.
This is second time that Jackson -- known for a bizarre fantasy lifestyle surrounded by children and with a pet chimpanzee -- has been married in secret.
In January, Lisa Marie Presley, daughter of late rock and roll legend Elvis, filed for
divorce, citing irreconcilable differences 20 months after they were married in secret in the Dominican Republic.
Shortly before that marriage, Jackson was embroiled in a legal battle after allegations that he sexually molested a young boy. Jackson vehemently denied the claims and prosecutors said in late 1994 that they were not pressing criminal charges.
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The Jokeline considered just running that story all by itself this week in Jokeline, but we want to perform a social service for Michael as well. Here we have a few alternative methods for getting women, Michael, for when you divorce Debbie and are looking again.
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Michael, you can find them....
A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out
golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting
next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot
when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks round and doesn't
see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the
frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club
away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky
frog eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The
man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do
you think frog?", the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." was the reply.
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is
befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day,
the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the
frog, "Ok where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit Las Vegas".
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?"
The frog says , "Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette
table the man asks," what do you think I should bet?" The frog
replies, "Ribbit $3000 black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot
that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what
the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay
you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The
frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me". He figures why not, since after
all the frog did for him he deserves it. All of a sudden the frog
turns into the most gorgeous 15 year old girl in the world.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room".
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Michael, you can buy them...
Consumer's Reports on Selecting Girlfriend
Well it's been over 20 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed
girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new
features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has
changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was
needed.
As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a
girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part,
dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want
an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or
just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is
the first, and most important, step in selecting a girl- friend.
The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how
much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your
physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking,
have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will
have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other
hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your
choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when
considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you
that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this
practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary
outlay will actually *increase* with time.
Used vs. New?
-------------
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to
get a new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will,
roughly speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the
following table:
Your age Used or New
-------- -----------
1-12 years (see note A)
13-16 years New
17-21 years Used, but not used up
22-35 years Used heavily
35-60 years New (see note B)
60+ (see note A)
Notes:
A: Seek psychiatric help
B: Only "new" if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced".
New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous
bad experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they
will rarely be old enough to open their own checking account. Used
girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers,
with the initial problems worked out, but CU advises that you avoid
models which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr).
Much greater than the average may be an indication that the
girlfriend was a professional.
Accessories
-----------
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a
tavern will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high
markup on such items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc.
Other accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as
models which come pre-equipped with children, or the ability run 10
miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should make a
list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that
some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while
others (such as a large bosom) must be factory installed.
The Test Ride
-------------
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The
test ride ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can
range from the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the
aggressively hip ("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane
("You're my Campus comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!"). CU
rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better." Once on the
test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two
questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine
the detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm
adequately, or does she remain cool?
Ordering vs. On-The-Lot
-----------------------
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and
many potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and
accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an
option. Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending
on the state you live in), and CU questions the usefulness of such
a practice: if you have access to the baby factory, you should
reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.
Methodology
-----------
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test
engineers, selected to typify the average seeking population. All
tests were performed at CU's specially constructed test facility,
which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number
of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven
tests were run, evaluating each product according to the following
criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks,
and performance.
Results
-------
Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity.
Within each category, variation is not statistically significant.
Category Comments
-------- ----------------------------------------------------
Goddess This is the woman of your dreams. She comes
equipped with all the options you want and none of the ones you
don't. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff
game of racquetball, understand what you mean even if you don't say
it, and break a bed. No mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback
is that this model does not exist.
Goddess-in-law This model is similar to the goddess, but comes
with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a
spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model
tends to generate grey hairs.
Ms. Right The best all-around choice for most girlfriend
situations. Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except
possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than that, an
excellent long-term investment. Availability is extremely limited
but can occasionally be found with luck.
Babe This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all
the options. Unfortunately, this model lacks cognitive powers and
empathy. Showy, and suitable for a parade or for impressing your
friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs.
Friend The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind
but you wouldn't be caught dead in it. Availability is poor to
fair, depending on quality.
Yeah, Her The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available,
but useful as a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are
available. Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull
finish.
_____________________
Or Michael, you can create them....
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out
to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy"
"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and
all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy.
Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect
companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"
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Big thanks to Og, Patrick Earle, and Jay McGaffigan for those three hearty bits of advice.
If you have advice or issues you want Jokeline to take up, just let us know!
Jokemaster