Ola' (Portuguese) Humble Jokeliners,

From Halloween to Presidential Elections, Jokeline is there to cover the latest for our loyal readers. I would urge you all to recall that in the last issue President Clinton wanted us to do the last Jokeline on Candidate Dole.

So that's what we'll do. Since I'm writing this from San Francisco (as your never failing Jokemaster is presenting a paper at the annual conference of the North American Association of Environmental Educators), I'll cut the funny stuff and get right to our Republican Jokeline issue.

Next week we'll return to our regularly scheduled programming.

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Up and Coming News

Tehran (Reuters) - For the past few weeks, the behind-the-doors

discussion at many Iranian newspaper and magazine publishing outfits

seems to be revolving not around political, social and economic

issues, but the spelling of Bob Dole's name instead.

It turns out that the proper spelling of the Republican Party's

likely nominee, Dole, is exactly the same as that of the word "penis"

in Farsi.

For an exact pronunciation, "Dowl" as opposed to "Dol," it would have

to spelled as the Farsi word for "penis." In print, especially for

headlines, "...we don't use [optional] vowel symbols. Because of

that, his name can be read in that way."

Ali Zarkoob, a grade school teacher in Western Tehran said, "I'm sure

kids will find it very funny. The humor magazines will probably go

crazy over it too."

A columnist for Tehran's Hamshahri daily who requested to remain

anonymous stated, "It's a real problem that no one wants to face.

Think about it. What should we write if he wins? 'Clinton loses

Presidency?' That's not right. 'Penis wins US Presidency' isn't

exactly acceptable either."

Thanks once again to Quint Newcomer for this guy.

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BORN REPUBLICAN by Daniel Mendelsohn

The startling discovery that affiliation with the Republican

party is genetically determined was announced by scientists in the

current issue of the journal Nurture. Reports of the gene that codes

for political conservatism, discovered after a long study of

quintuplets in Orange County, Calif., has sent shock waves through the

medical, political, and golfing communities.

Psychologists and psychoanalysts have long believed that Republicans'

unnatural and frequently unconstitutional tendencies result from

unhealthy family life --- a remarkably high percentage of Republicans

had authoritative, domineering fathers and emotionally distant mothers

who didn't teach them how to be kind and gentle. But biologists have

long suspected that conservatism is inherited. "After all," said one

author of the Nurture article, "it's quite common for a Republican to

have a brother or a sister who is a Republican."

The finding has been greeted with relief by parents and friends of

Republicans, who have tended to blame themselves for the political

views of otherwise lovable people --- their children, friends, and

unindicted co-conspirators.

One mother, a longtime Democrat, clasped her hands in ecstasy on

hearing of the findings. "I just knew it was genetic," she said,

seated beside her two sons, both avowed Republicans. "I just

knew that nobody would actually choose that lifestyle!" When asked

what the Republican life style was, she said, "Well, you can just tell

from watching TV, like at the convention in Houston: the loud outfits,

the flaming xenophobia, the flamboyant demagogy --- you know."

Both sons said they had suspected their Republicanism from an early

age but did not confirm it until they were in college, when they

became convinced it wasn't just a phase they were going through.

Despite the near-certainty of the medical community of Republicanism's

genetic origins, troubling issues remain. The Nurture article offered

no response to the suggestion that the startlingly high incidence of

Republicanism among siblings could result from the fact that they

share not only genes but also psychological and emotional attitudes,

being the products of the same parents and family dynamics.

And it remains to be explained why so many avowed Democrats are known

to vote Republican occasionally --- or at least to fantasize about

doing so. Polls show that three out of five Democrats admit to having

had a Republican experience. In well-adjusted people, however, this

experimentation rarely outlasts adolescence.

Surprisingly, some Republican activists hail the findings as a step

forward rather than as an invitation to more conservophobia. They

argue that since Republicans didn't "choose" their unwholesome

lifestyle any more than someone "chooses" to have a ski-jump nose,

they shouldn't be denied civil rights to which normal people are

entitled.

Other Republicans, recalling 19th-century scientific studies that

"proved" the mental inferiority of blacks, find the frenzied search

for the biological cause of Republicanism pointless, if not downright

sinister.

But for most real Americans, the discovery opens a window on a

brighter tomorrow. In a few years, gene therapy could eradicate

Republicanism altogether.

If conservatism is not the result of sheer orneriness (as many

suspect) but is something Republicans can't help and probably don't

even like, there's no reason why we shouldn't tolerate Republicans in

the military or even high elected office --- provided they don't

flaunt their political beliefs.

"A conservative is a liberal who has been mugged. A liberal is a

conservative who has been arrested."

______________________________

YOU MIGHT BE A REPUBLICAN IF............

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and Deduction two".

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just

allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend".

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're

richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs".

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches".

You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school".

You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie".

You answer to "The Man".

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because

that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood".

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie

of "sexual deviance".

You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain,

little- woman, old lady, tax credit...

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values".

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho".

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut".

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in

America.

You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me".

You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while attending a Bob

Packwood fund-raiser.

You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve".

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're afraid of the "liberal media".

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts bunch of

pornographers.

You think all artists are gay.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because

he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society".

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when

they don't even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

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And last thanks to Yale Forestry School classmate, Shana Lieberman for this submission. I had to run it, you see, because otherwise she might not drive me home for Thanksgiving. She lives in the next town over from Foxboro.

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If you don't vote, chances are you'll wake up one more to find a democracy smote.

Until next week

Jokemaster