And Happy New Year to the 18.75% of the Jokeliners who are, were, or studying to be Jews. We're now in year 50,6XX and that deserves a little Jewish lore for all those non-members of the tribe. This may remind a few of those Costa Rican friends who attended that sedar when I was in Peace Corps in 1994: 4 Jews, 16 Christians in attendance.
On Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year), we have a service called Taslich
(throwing) where we symbolically cast our sins away by throwing bread into
the water. Some people have asked me what they are supposed to throw into the water. Here are some suggestions:
For ordinary sins, use -- White Bread
For exotic sins -- French or Italian bread
For dark sins -- Pumpernickle
For complex sins -- Multi-grain
For truly warped sins -- Pretzels
For sins of indecision -- Waffles
For sins commited in haste -- Matzah
For substance abuse -- Poppy Seed
For commiting arson -- Toast
For being ill-tempered -- Sourdough
For silliness -- Nut bread
For not giving full value -- Short bread
For political chauvinism -- Yankee Doodles
For excessive use of irony -- Rye Bread
For continual bad jokes -- Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts -- Jelly doughnuts
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May you not run out of bread.
Thanks to Michael Og Osier, my next door neighbor who is coming on fast as a Jokeline subscriber and submitter. Keep the submissions rolling.
Keeping on the religious theme, this was also a big week for Catholicism as the Pope's trip is proving far more memorable than maybe he would like. For all those unconverted in Jokeworld, France is a mostly secular country and much of the Pope's visit is met with some resistance. The reason for the trip is the birth of Clovis, the founder of France. In commemoration of the visit, entrepeneurs are having a field day making up plastic Jesuses, religious key chains, and holy hand grenades. In honor of this event, Jokeline would like to support world peace and happiness among all religions. As Jokeline just learned, the Vatican has a Web site so I have taken the liberty to CC: the Pope at that address as you will notice above so that he might use Jokeline amongst the many prayers he offers at the Holy Web Site.
This edition is also in honor of St. Peter who almost never comes up in world news, thus by proxy we'll run a couple St. Peter stories here.
The Pope Reaches Heaven
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man
who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by
he entire world, Catholic or not.
As the Pope approached the gates of heaven it was Saint Peter who
greeted him in a firm embrace.
"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving
your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in
heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted
free access to all parts of heaven."
"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own
discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without
prior appointment."
"Is there anything which your holiness desires?"
"Well yes," the Pope replied, "I have often pondered some of the
mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the
ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual
conversations between God and the prophets of old?" "I would love to see
what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."
Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and
explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was
thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship
with God.
Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the
library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running to
the Pope's side to learn the cause of his dismay.
There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment,
repeating over and over, "There's an `R', There's an `R' ..."
The word was "celibrate."
Not sure who submitted that one. Sorry out there. But the next comes from Jay McGaffigan. Thanks, Jay!
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it
had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been
cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have
been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was
this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full,
and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my
apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below
me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst
out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands.
Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below,
stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes
me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible
death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that
heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
Last, to the 6.25% of Jokeliners who are neither Jews nor Christians (includes one atheist), I will include a selection about many different religions. After all, Jokeline is an equal opportunity publisher.
A Short Guide to Comparative Religions
Taoism Shit happens
Confucianism Confucius say, "Shit Happens"
Calvinism Shit Happens because you don't work hard enough
Buddhism If shit happens, it really isn't shit.
7th day Adventist No shit on Saturdays
Zen What is the sound of shit happening?
Hedonism There is nothing like a good shit happening.
Hinduism This shit happened before.
Mormonism This shit is going to happen again.
Islam If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Moonies Only happy shit really happens.
Stoicism This shit is good for me.
Protestantism Let the shit happen to someone else.
Catholicism Shit happens because you are BAD.
Hare Krishna Shit happens rama rama.
Judaism Why does this shit always happen to US?
Zoroastrianism Shit happens half the time.
Christian Science Shit is in your mind.
Atheism Sheeit.
Existentialism What is shit anyway?
Rastafarianism Let's smoke this shit
Notes from Our Readers
Dear Jokemaster,
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Love,
Steven Wright
To Jokeliners via Jokemaster,
The boys upstairs in Jokeline Publishing came down and were wrapping on my door the other. They're not very funny people really. But they told me if I want to keep laughing I would have to tell the Jokelineship, that if they want to say something to the Jokeline, they should send it to me instead of sending directly to the mailing list. For my sake, thanks.
Jokemaster