Dearest Jokeliners!!

Some thought and hoped this jokazine would never return, that it would have quietly faded away while I gallavanted around Ecuador, that the FCC would have closed it down, that I would have simply forgot about it entering this new academic year. Well sorry, none of that has happened, in fact we have more jokeliners and jokes than ever before and if people think school will get in the way of quality, topical, self-deprecating humor, then, Jesus, they should think again!

THE LESSON

THEN JESUS TOOK HIS DISCIPLES UP THE MOUNTAIN AND GATHERING THEM AROUND HIM, HE TAUGHT THEM SAYING :

BLESSED ARE THE POOR IN SPIRIT FOR THEIRS IS THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

BLESSED ARE THE MEEK

BLESSED ARE THEY THAT MOURN

BLESSED ARE THE MERCIFUL

BLESSED ARE THEY WHO THIRST FOR JUSTICE

BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO SUFFER

BE GLAD AND REJOICE FOR YOUR REWARD IS GREAT IN HEAVEN

Then Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?"

And Andrew said, "Are we supposed to know this?"

And James said, "Will we have a test in this?"

And Phillip said, "What if we don't know it?"

And Bartholemew said, "Do we have to turn this in?"

And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this!"

And Matthew said, "When do we get out of here?"

And Judas said, "What does this have to do with real life?"

Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus's lesson

plans and inquired of Jesus his terminal objectives in the cognitive

domain and wondered if this all fitted into the Strategic Plan.

AND JESUS WEPT.

Sorry to whomever passed that one in, I seemed to have lost the credit if I ever had it. But the next one was sent in by Jen Weber describing in horrid detail the test she had to take before becoming an elementary school teacher in the Orlando, FL area. Congratulations to Jen who started working only this month, for submitting this one, and of course passing the test.

Qualifying Examination for Orlando Elementary School Teachers

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all question.

Time limit, 4 hours. Begin immediately.

1.MEDICINE.

You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze

and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture

until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

2.HISTORY.

Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the

present day, concentrating especially but not exclusively on

its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical

impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise

and specific.

3.PUBLIC SPEAKING.

Two thousand drug-crazed aborigines are storming the

classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language

except Latin or Greek.

4.BIOLOGY.

Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human

culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years

earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the

English parliamentary system.

5.MUSIC.

Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a

flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

6.ENGINEERING.

The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been

placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an

instruction manual printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a

hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted into the room. Take

whatever action you feel is appropriate. Be prepared to

justify your decision.

7.SOCIOLOGY.

What sociological problem might accompany the end of the

world? Construct an experiment to test your theory.

8.MANAGEMENT SCIENCE.

Define management. Define science. How do they relate?

Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial

decisions. Assuming a Cray I CPU supporting 50 terminals, each

terminal to activate your algorithm, design the communications

interface and the necessary controls.

9.PSYCHOLOGY.

Based on your knowledge of their work, evaluate the emotional

stability, degree of adjustment and repressed frustrations of

each:

Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea,

Hammurabi.

Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work.

It is not necessary to translate.

10.POLITICAL SCIENCE.

There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World

War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if

any.

11.ECONOMICS.

Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.

Trace the possible effects of your plan on these areas:

Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light.

12. EPISTEMOLOGY.

Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of

your position.

13. PHYSICS.

Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an

evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on

science.

14. PHILOSOPHY.

Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its

significance. Compare with the development of any other kind

of thought.

15. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE. Describe in detail, briefly.

EXTRA CREDIT. Define the universe. Give three examples.

Last, if that was too heavy for you, try some nice high school analogies submitted by one of our most regular Jokeline dealers, Quint Newcomer, who by the way is a newly created dad down in Costa Rica.

Worst Analogies (taken from High School papers)

___________________________________________________

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that

used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you

banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a

bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag

filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an

eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another

city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy

Ashley, Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the

center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access

T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung

by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown)

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy

Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when

you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a

movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like

"Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced

across the grassy field toward each other like two freight

trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55

mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the

Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences

that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who

had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin

sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a

play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances

like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith,

Woodbridge)

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

Thanks for subscribing. For those who want off the list, you can check in but you can never check out. Keep those submissions flowing and welcome back to school to the 36.7% of Jokeliners who cannot pull their finger out of the doorcrack of academia.

For those in the Northeast, enjoy Hurricane Eduard which should be here

in a few hours.

Jokemaster

Tech Stuff

-Jokeline 10 9/1/96

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